Infertility Journey Ends

About one month before our ski trip, we went to see our favorite Dr. in Chicago one more time: our infertility doctor from advanced fertility: Dr. Sherbahn and his team. We had one frozen embryo, a day 5 blastocyst of very good quality from Espen's 'batch. As this is Dr. Sherbahn we are talking about, I was very hopeful: of our 13 or 14 tries, we had only tried 4 times with this Dr. and all our miracle children are from this team. Amazing! Amazing and amazing. I call him my personal Professor Dumbledore!

After about 5-6 weeks of preparation with pills and shots, I actually went to Chicago with just Espen, and was excited to see everyone again. They have been there with us for 10 years now! The transfer went very well, the embryo had survived and had a good chance. We were still preprared for any outcome though, and felt so grateful for the 4 we have that 1 more baby would be an incredible additional blessing, though a negative result would be disappointing, but okay. This was our very last try, regardless the outcome! Scary and exciting at the same time.

Soon after the transfer, I started taking my record number of pregnancy tests. I think I have taken probabaly over 200 tests over the past 13 years already. On day 10 (5dp5dt I took the first test, a little earlier than I had before. It was positive, fairly faint, but positive. Then I realized that I took the HCG trigger shot 1 day later compared to the transfer than in fresh cycles, such that there was a possibility that it was left over trigger shot. This question was answered by the next day's pregnancy test, which was lighter, so surely it was the trigger. Oh well, we have 4 miracles already, we have been so blessed, we are good.

The next day, I took another (or several) test which was darker than both previous ones: maybe I am pregnant after all! We had to wait through the weekend to get our beta-test to find the HCG concentration, which menat I would first test on day 16 past retrieval (16 dpo), never done that before. As we had been through this before, I felt like the first number would give a strong indication. All my babies had a day 14 dpo of 100 (twins), 97 (Jasper) and 136 (Espen), while the early miscarriages were more like 30, 56, 49, and another around 50. So I was hoping for 200 or so at day 16, as these numbers should double every 2-3 days.

On day 16, the number was ... 78! Ugh, exciting, because there is someone growing inside, frustrating as it is not a good number for me. Of course I immediately started looking for excuses why there was another reason for the number to be low, the most convincing being that I had never had just one embryo transferred to me, such that I might have started with twins every time. I waited until Friday until the follow-up beta, which should have quadrupled by then. In the mean time I probably took about 30 more tests, so worried if they would be darker or not, the results were not helping one bit!

Friday finally came around, quadrupling meant 312, and the number was 336! That was a very happy surprise! However, I was still very worried, as this test was 20 dpo, and my previous numbers by then were over 2500 or 3000 (twins). So the next step was the first ultrasound, which would be after the trip to CO, at about 7.5 weeks. As my first ultrasounds for all my successfull pregnancies had been at the same time, I knew quite well what to be looking for: a 1 cm embryo, and a heartbeat between 120-160 bpm.

We went in and took the girls: we explained to them there might be nothing, but felt this might be their last chance to see a baby with a heartbeat at this early stage, which would be so exciting for them.
As the technician turned the screen, we could immediately see the most exciting sight: a flickering little dot in the middle. We then were able to hear the heartbeat: a strong galloping sound, though a little slower than expected: 112 bpm. That worried me a little, but so close to 120, and it not being super accurate, and it sounding so strong,I felt still hopeful. However, the yolk sac was still there and almost as big as the fetus, which looked so much smaller than what I was used to. Neither did I see any stumps for arms/legs. How small was it? The technician measured it at less than 4 mm, which meant at this very early stage, it measured already 10 days behind....... It was sooooo disappointing, that was way too far behind to be strong enough to make it, as I knew when the 'ovulation' had been to the hour. The technician tried to explian to us, why it looked good, she probabaly didn't know this was a FET, and Josh didn't seem to understand how scared I was, as he was so focused on just the heartbeat. I felt alone, as no one seemed to understadn how bad this looked to me, and I wasn't simply being my 'so-called' negative self!

So, rest assured, we had to wait for another excruciating week, in which again I was trying to tell myself any excuse why this was not as bad as it looked, even measureing the sac, yolk sac, and embryo and compraing that to 100s of ultrasound pictures on the internet. Yes, I am obsessed, or may it is possessed! :)
The following Monday, we went in, with renewed hope, this time, I was with my sweet mother-in-law, who came to support me in this ordeal, knowing that we may not like the outcome. It was so appreciated, thank you mom for your eternal support!
The screen was again turned, .... no heartbeat, no growth. It was fully expected, and it still stung.....badly. It was so hard to let go of this special little one that we were so hoping for and that was trying so hard to come to us. Even more, I found it so hard to swallow that there would not be any more babies, no more births, no more little new bodies to welcome to our family.

I was actually overcome by grief, and was surprised by the severity of that feeling. I really felt I was prepared, I was ok with 'just' the beautiful 4 we already were blessed with... I prayed for strength that I might be able to shake that grief and could concentrate on those 4 miracles. Fortunately, Heavenly father answered that prayer only a few days later, a true tender mercy. We had some very strange happening at school that was related to one of our children, which made me realize the importance of now focusing on the special Spirits we already have in our charge. It was an upsetting event, but exactly what I needed to have this realization, and to be able to shake that grief.

I am thankful for a heavenly Father who listens to and answers our prayers, I am thankful for Dr. Sherbahn and his team, and most of all I am grateful for Sofia, Lilian, Jasper and Espen, and the true joy they bring Josh and me.